Insider tips to conquer apathy while recovering from narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships
- Dee-Anne Hardy
- Jul 30, 2023
- 8 min read
Updated: Aug 2, 2023
Three rock-solid strategies to battle crippling apathy and start reclaiming your joy today
There is a growing recognition of the mental health impact and personal toll that experiencing long-term mental and emotional abuse has on us. Thanks to advances in research and activism, we have a much better understanding of the shocking effects of narcissistic abuse on the way we act and think, even when we have managed to leave an abusive situation.
How does narcissistic abuse lead to apathy?
One important mental health impact of narcissistic abuse is the development of extreme apathy. Some good articles have been written about how emotional and narcissistic abuse has led us to develop self-limiting beliefs and locked us into a pattern of self-sabotaging behaviours and choices [1]. In emotional and narcissistically abusive relationships, we are constantly attacked and made to feel as if we can never do anything right or that we must somehow achieve unrealistic expectations. Despite our best efforts to fix the so-called ‘mistakes’ that we have made and gain approval from our partner, we face ongoing and relentless criticism. Because of this, we start to internalise the belief that we ourselves are worthless, and as a protective mechanism we become apathetic. We are backed into a corner where the only way to survive is to shut our emotions down and essentially stop caring about ourselves, our dreams, and our own joy.
While we now have a better understanding of why we might develop apathy after narcissistic abuse, there is still too little practical information about what to do to overcome this crippling apathy when recovering from narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships.
Having been through it myself, I fully understand the emotional turmoil that comes with being trapped in the post-narcissistic abuse apathy cycle. You can find yourself feeling totally uninspired by anything, unmotivated to do anything, and feeling like a hollow husk of a person. There is shame and guilt about not being grateful and excited about the new life ahead of you now that you are free of the toxic narcissist who was holding you and your life hostage for so long. There is anxiety and fear about whether you are just a permanently damaged person and whether you will ever be able to enjoy anything again.
You want to be inspired by the world, you want to do exciting and fun activities that make you feel good about yourself, you want to make new happy memories. But right now, you just can’t seem to figure out how to care enough about anything to do… well… anything about it.
But I’m here to tell you that overcoming apathy is an important step in recovering from narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships and it is possible. While it’s not easy, there are conscious and deliberate steps you can take to overcome apathy and start experiencing joy in life again.
Steps you can take right now to start battling apathy while recovering from narcissistic abuse
The hard truth is that apathy can only be conquered through action and activity [2]. Doing the very things you feel completely uninspired and unmotivated to do now are the key to getting your mojo back again. While doing absolutely anything seems completely pointless right now and you can’t see what you will gain by doing it, the only way to remember what makes anything meaningful and enjoyable is to push through and do something, anything, to remind yourself why anything is fun and how good doing stuff actually makes you feel. [3]
You have lost so much precious time doing things that make you feel worthless and unhappy, so it’s time to take charge and start actively trying to enjoy doing things for yourself again.
Overcoming your apathy will require planning and dedication. You need to know what challenges you are going to face and have a rock-solid plan in place to overcome them.
STEP 1 for conquering apathy after narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships: Skip until you find the inspiring
The first hurdle you might face in overcoming apathy when recovering from narcissistic abuse is actually picking something to do for pleasure.
Dance classes, cooking, even reading a book all seem simultaneously overwhelming and pointless right now. So, where to even start?
To overcome this hurdle, you could start by looking back to things that brought you immense pleasure before your toxic relationship, or you could look for completely new things to do! I’ve written previously about how to get clarity on activities or hobbies that you actually enjoy doing when recovering from narcissistic abuse, so check out my tips and advice for doing this essential first task here: [4].
The important thing to remember is that you keep trying new things out until you find something that really sparks joy. Sometimes I put on a song which usually motivates me, but if it is just not vibing for me on that particular day, I skip it. And I keep skipping until I find one that vibes! Sometimes it takes creating a whole new playlist, but that is ok. It’s about making the choice to keep going until I hit the right vibe.
It is the same with trying to find something that you can do simply for the enjoyment of doing it.
This is very challenging when you are still recovering from the abusive space you have just emerged from and you need to give yourself the space to try new things or ditch things when they aren’t working until you find what works for you today, this week or even this month.
STEP 2 for conquering apathy after narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships: Diarise and protect time for yourself
Once you have something (or a list of things) that you would like to try, you might find that getting yourself to actually do it is the next hurdle you face in overcoming apathy after narcissistic abuse.
Your life is full of obligations, chores and things that are necessary to do - it’s busy! And when you are feeling apathetic, doing all of these things seems to use up every ounce of your physical and emotional energy.
And, when you are apathetic, you use and make any excuse not to do pleasurable or leisure activities - I know!
So, the first step you need to take is to treat the activity or hobby you have chosen a bit like one of the chores or obligations that you simply have to get done on a weekly, or ideally daily basis.
If you are the kind of person who makes daily or weekly to do lists and STICKS TO THEM, then simply adding your chosen activity to the daily or weekly list might work well for you. Give it a try.
But if, like me, you find yourself with undone tasks on that list, I can guarantee that you will end up prioritising other tasks on your to-do list over the activity you have chosen. How I have overcome this is using the time blocking method. It not only helps me to use my time more effectively, but it ensures that I actually do tasks from my to do list that otherwise fall to the bottom of the list and seem to never get checked off. You can dive really deep into the time blocking method [5], but the critical thing is that you block off time for work tasks, chores, exercise, cooking, and, most important of all, add a time block where you will do the activity you have chosen to do just for your own pleasure and enjoyment.
Start small, block out 15 minutes or an hour once a week and dedicate that time to doing the activity you have chosen (reading, cooking, singing, painting… whatever it is).
The most important thing to do is treat your blocked out time with the respect it deserves - with the respect you and your recovery deserve! Imagine that you have blocked out time to go to the doctor - very little is going to get in the way of you going to the doctor’s appointment, and while you are in the room with the doctor you are going to turn your phone on to silent and be present for the consultation. The time you are blocking out to do your chosen activity is just as important as this - it’s what you need to do to reclaim your life and start living well again.
It can initially feel uncomfortable doing this - it’s incredibly difficult to get rid of the voice in your head that tells you that this time is not THAT important or that you don’t really deserve to spend this time on yourself. You have to take active steps to silence and shut that voice down because it’s not coming from you - it’s an echo of the narcissist who told you these lies for so long. One thing I do is to actually label the time I have blocked out in my schedule for doing my chosen activities as “TIME I DESERVE” or “TIME THAT IS OWED TO ME”. Strategies like this will help to remind you of the importance of banishing the narcissist’s voice and start replacing it with your own.
STEP 3 for conquering apathy after narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships: Actively make plans and do not cancel them
Another challenge of overcoming apathy is the temptation to cancel plans or to back out of commitments at the last minute, even if they are activities you genuinely enjoy or plans with people you love and like being around.
Apathy can make you feel like staying in your comfort zone, avoiding socialising, or even shy away from engaging at all with the world outside of your home. However, making and keeping social plans is an essential part of breaking free from the cycle of apathy and rediscovering joy in life. You can achieve this with a couple of strategies.
Start by setting small, achievable goals for yourself. Arrange to meet a friend for a coffee, attend a local event or go to a small family gathering. Don’t overwhelm yourself with large or complex plans initially. Slowly increase the size and frequency of your interactions as you build confidence and start to feel more comfortable.
Reach out to friends and family, or even support groups who offer understanding and encouragement. Be honest about your apathy and what you are doing to overcome it and ask for their help in sticking to your plans - and for their non-judgement when you struggle. You don’t have to do this alone.
Apathy brings with it negative thought patterns that discourage you from taking action. When you catch yourself thinking things like, "I don't feel like going out," or "I won't enjoy it anyway," consciously challenge those thoughts. Remind yourself of the benefits of engaging in the planned activity and how it aligns with your goals for overcoming apathy.
Taking these steps will set you on the path to overcoming your apathy, but you have to keep working at it.
Overcoming apathy is a process and it takes time. Always keep in mind that setbacks are normal. If you find yourself cancelling plans or slipping back into apathetic behaviour, be gentle and kind to yourself. Recognize it as a temporary setback and recommit to getting back on track. Most importantly, don’t dwell on your failures or slip ups.
Focus on celebrating your successes, no matter how small!
Give yourself the credit you deserve for taking steps toward breaking the apathy cycle. Positive reinforcement can help build motivation and make you more likely to keep going and to continue taking steps to overcome apathy and take your life back!
If you want to read more about recovering from narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships and start reclaiming your life today, why not check out my book? It's packed with useful and practical advice for healing and recovering and features stories from survivors like you who have reclaimed and rebuilt their lives.
Disclaimer: I am not a professional counsellor or psychiatrist. The contents of this article are based on my own lived experience, professional experience in academic research, as well as hours of conversation with other people with lived experience and counsellors. While the information in this article is intended to help anyone who is recovering from abusive experiences and toxic relationships with narcissists, it should not be used as a substitute for working with licensed professionals for important psychotherapeutic work that is vital for recovery. Please reach out to a licensed professional to get any psychotherapeutic support you need, and if you are in immediate danger please call your local domestic abuse hotline or domestic violence hotline where you will be able to get access to support.
Sources:
[1] https://medium.com/practical-growth/how-narcissistic-abuse-makes-you-more-apathetic-a284cdd535e6