Reviving Your Wanderlust: Rediscovering Joy in Travel after Narcissistic Abuse

Insider tips for joyful traveling while recovering from narcissistic abuse

You see a brochure for a gorgeous destination or a tour to somewhere you always wanted to see, but the thought of traveling anywhere, especially a faraway destination, leads you to break out in a cold sweat or go into full blown panic. Even the lure of a tropical beach or five-star hotel is not enough to make you pack your bags and leave home.

If you are someone who has left a narcissistic or abusive relationship, then you should ask yourself if this response is due to the unpleasant experiences you had when traveling with that person.

When we travel with a narcissist or emotional manipulator, we come to experience travel as inherently stressful, or even downright unpleasant.

The behavior patterns and personality traits of narcissistic, abusive people can have a devastating impact on the experiences of their travel companions - often without those of us on the receiving end even realizing it. On top of this, being on vacation or traveling means that you are in the same space as, and in the company of, the narcissist even more than you usually are, and there is not anywhere for you to really get away to and regain your sense of balance. The intensity of this “overload” or bombardment of narcissistic engagement can make vacations together feel like a long, inescapable nightmare leaving you longing to get back home and dreading the next time you have to take another trip.

But vacations are important for your well-being, and they should be something that you can look forward to. The world is a magnificent place and you deserve to find joy in travel by exploring what it has to offer. So, if you want to revive your wanderlust and rediscover joy in traveling, you need to assess your past experiences and unpick them. Coming to understand the deep damage caused by traveling with a narcissist can help you to develop the strategies you need to be able to move forward and learn to love traveling and actually enjoy a vacation again while recovering from narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Understanding how a narcissist ruined travel for me

Looking back on my life, I realize that every single time I have traveled, I have gotten seriously ill. I’ve literally visited hospitals on just about every continent. Not exactly the travel bucket list I was hoping to check-off.

The stress of traveling eventually just made me just not want to do it anymore, which was incredibly frustrating and sad because there’s so much of the world I’d love to see.

As I started to unpack what was lying behind my travel sickness and stress, I realized that the impact of having traveled and vacationed with a narcissistic and emotionally abusive person for over 20 years had led me to internalize a huge amount of negativity, problematic beliefs, and travel related anxiety that I would need to overcome if I was going to find joy in travel again after narcissistic abuse.

Here are the top 3 ways that I realized a narcissist had ruined travel for me:

Unrealistic Expectations

Narcissist's everyday grandiose expectations [1] extend to what they expect from their travel experiences, wanting everything to be perfect and tailor-made around their desires. When reality doesn't meet these expectations, they take their disappointment and frustration out on you. The narcissist I traveled with would exaggerate minor issues that came up on any trip - a bag needing to be rescanned at the airport would mean that the airport had been ‘a complete nightmare’, or having to wait in a short line at a tourist attraction would ‘ruin the whole trip’. Of course, I was always to blame for any and all of these minor issues - and they would even find me to blame for things like that day of rain on a beach vacation.

If you have had similar experiences, like me, you may have internalized two problematic and FALSE beliefs: 1) vacations are not fun because they are always disappointing; 2) that YOU somehow manage to always make mistakes and are the source of problems or inconveniences while traveling.

Manipulation and control

It goes without saying that narcissists are skilled manipulators [2], and while traveling this can manifest in their attempt to ensure that everyone traveling with them is constantly behaving in the way that they would like them to. Narcissists achieve control of travel companions emotions and behavior either through confrontation or threats - such as a threat to cancel or change arrangements or leave you stranded in a foreign location. My narcissistic travel companion would insist that everyone was constantly happy or cheerful the entire time we were traveling or on vacation. The other thing they would do is insist on ostentatious and public displays of gratitude toward them for any activities that they had agreed to do that they had not chosen themselves. This was especially so for any money they had spent on me, even when this was neither something I had asked for nor something I even necessarily wanted - such as for participating in an activity chosen by them that I specifically had expressed not wanting to do.

Narcissists also use manipulation and control to further their self-centered agendas. When traveling, you may find that they try to control the itinerary, activities, or options during the trip to cater to their own desires at the expense of your wants. When faced with opposition, a narcissist will usually outright refuse to do things which they don’t want to do, often getting angry or aggressive if they are not getting their way. The narcissist I traveled with would also feign being tired, ill or injured when they felt activities chosen by me were not of interest to them. As a result, the only activities we ever did were chosen by them.

Experiences like this can leave you feeling like you have little control over your own trip or it may have soured any activities you did. This can compound or establish the problematic and FALSE belief that 1) vacations aren't actually that fun because you have to be ‘on your best behavior’ and you have to hide your true self behind a mask; 2) your vacation or travel activity wish list is boring or unimportant and not worthy of doing.

Lack of Empathy

Narcissists typically struggle with (and lack) empathy [3], which means they have difficulty understanding and considering the feelings and needs of others. While traveling, this can lead to them disregarding not only preferences and desires, but even the comfort or safety of their travel companions. Narcissistic travel companions are indifferent to or intolerant of the physical limitations or discomfort of their fellow travelers and will often devise unrealistic itineraries or unsuitable travel and accommodation arrangements. The narcissist that I traveled with would often plan journeys with long hours of travel or time frames which were completely impractical - often insisting on short connection times that made me feel rushed and led to them criticizing my walking speed or what I had packed for the trip. In our vacation accommodation, they would often ignore or purposefully neglect my needs and comfort: insisting on either overheating or over-cooling rooms, and failing to account for necessary facilities for our small children such as needing to warm baby food or making bottles. Any questions or complaints about these crucial matters were met with anger or frustration and I ended up being forced or shamed into “making a plan” in less than ideal circumstances or “pushing through” when unwell or exhausted.

If, like me, you have experienced a narcissist’s lack of empathy while traveling, you may have developed a few problematic and FALSE beliefs that could be ruining your travel joy: 1) vacation’s aren’t fun because they are actually even less comfortable then being at home and have so many added inconveniences that they are just not worth it; 2) you are alone in your struggles and have to cope with everything that makes life difficult on your own; 3) that you are needy and difficult.

How I’m rediscovering joy in travel by overcoming travel-related trauma while recovering from narcissistic abuse

Research does suggest that travel and vacations are important for our happiness and life satisfaction [4]. So if, like me, a narcissist has ruined travel for you, take some time to reflect on your experiences. Consider what went wrong, what you learned from the experience, and how you can use this knowledge to improve your vacations and travel experiences in the future. Once I recognised the ways in which my experiences traveling with a narcissist had impacted on not only my experiences of travel, but myself, I was able to actively start working to combat the problematic beliefs that were making travel so anxiety-inducing.

Solo travel for healing

The first thing that worked for me was to undertake some solo travel. I found that, when I traveled alone, I was free from unrealistic expectations of what my vacation should be like and so I was able to actually enjoy the trip that I was on. Also, by being free from any expectations, it meant that if prioritizing my well-being or joy meant that I missed a connection or activity, it didn’t matter, because no one was going to shout at me. This has really helped me to get rid of the belief that I always make mistakes or cause problems - if it’s my trip, everything I do is up to me and it’s absolutely not a problem if there is something that I don’t want to do right now or that I wasn’t able to do at any particular moment.

Small group travel for recovery

If traveling alone seems far too daunting to you, you could opt for a small group trip, but be sure to choose your travel companions wisely. Opt for people who share your interests, values, and have a positive attitude. Surrounding yourself with supportive and empathetic people will allow you to experience the same kind of freedom that I experienced in solo travel. Small group travel with supportive people can also help you to combat the problematic belief that you have to sort everything out on your own and that there is no one who can help you to address challenges when they inevitably do come up on a trip.

Setting Boundaries in travel

One of the most important things I have done to reduce my travel related anxiety is to establish clear boundaries around my travel and vacations. I have to recognize my particular physical and mental health needs and limitations, and ensure that I both plan my trips with these in mind and communicate them effectively, not only to accommodation or activity providers, but also to possible travel companions.

There is nothing more reassuring than knowing that your physical or mental health needs have been planned for and are known in advance so that they will be accommodated!

Positive travel experiences and self-care during vacations

For me, learning to enjoy traveling again revolves around planning positive experiences with a travel itinerary that includes activities and destinations that genuinely excite me. Focusing on what excites and ignites me really helps to overshadow the past negative experiences I have had. I’m also making sure that in all this planning I am prioritizing my self-care. The activities that I am choosing absolutely have to bring me joy and happiness. If they don’t, I’m more than happy to ditch them and find something that I actually want to be doing with my time instead. Planned to go snorkeling but it’s stressing me out? No worries, I’m going to eat an ice cream and relax watching the waves instead. Free from judgment and knowing that prioritizing myself wherever I am is the best choice I can make in my recovery. EVERY. TIME.

My recovery journey is ongoing, and I’m learning new ways to reclaim vacation and travel joy as I go. But all of these strategies have helped me to enjoy vacations and travel again for the last few years. I believe that it is possible for you to, and that you absolutely owe it to yourself to get back out there and see what the world has to offer you. You don’t have to go far from home - look into vacation spots that are nearby and offer you the chance to do something fun and, ideally, relaxing.

When travel anxiety does rear its ugly head while I am on a trip (airplanes, cars, and boats are extremely stressful for me), I find that having some mindfulness and grounding techniques prepared ahead of time to use is extremely helpful. Travel anxiety management techniques are extremely useful if you have planned them in advance and are ready to pull them out at any time on your trip. Try preparing a deep breathing exercise, take a journal or coloring book with you to help distract you, and have some music that inspires or relaxes you ready to play.

You’ve got this!

If you want to read more, why not check out my book? It's packed with useful and practical advice for healing and recovering from narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships with stories from survivors who have reclaimed and rebuilt their lives.

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Sources:

[1] O’Reilly, C. A., & Hall, N. (2021). Grandiose narcissists and decision making: Impulsive, overconfident, and skeptical of experts-but seldom in doubt. Personality and individual differences, 168, 110280. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.110280

[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/narcissism-demystified/202109/8-ways-narcissists-seek-manipulate-and-dehumanize-you

[3] di Giacomo E, Andreini E, Lorusso O and Clerici M (2023) The dark side of empathy in narcissistic personality disorder. Front. Psychiatry 14:1074558. doi: https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2023.1074558

[4] https://www.verywellmind.com/study-shows-more-frequent-travel-can-make-for-happier-life-5094820

Disclaimer: I am not a professional counselor or psychiatrist. The contents of this article are based on my own lived experience, professional experience in academic research, as well as hours of conversation with other people with lived experience and counselors. While the information in this article is intended to help anyone who is recovering from abusive experiences and toxic relationships with narcissists, it should not be used as a substitute for working with licensed professionals for important psychotherapeutic work that is vital for recovery. Please reach out to a licensed professional to get any psychotherapeutic support you need, and if you are in immediate danger please call your local domestic abuse hotline or domestic violence hotline where you will be able to get access to support.